Woman or Man in The Mirror

Speaker Tip of the Month

MEMORABLE PRESENTERS KNOW…that your voice is vital to the success in speech delivery.

When “nerves” come into play there is a tendency to talk too fast, too quietly and your voice to be high pitched.

REMEMBER  :: Before you start take a few deep breaths to steady the nerves, smile, p-a-u-s-e and look up and out at your audience.

After all, memorable presenters are just having a conversation with friends.

On now to Leading Ways………

Do you see the Woman or Man in the Mirror?

In a lot of my recent work and experiences generally, I have paused to reflect often on people’s realities, and often the perception gap between two people.

In a previous Leading Ways I talked about business success being largely related to management’s ability to hire, motivate and engage a skilled workforce.  And that this occurs mostly where a person has an Engaging Leadership Style.

[It is a given that the business has differentiated products or services, and managed, methodical Customer Relationship Enhancement, Marketing and Sales programs]

However, my reflection gave me pause to consider, for example, how others see me.

Relationships, both personal and in business primarily involve interaction between two participants (parties to the relationship sounds way too formal), and the willingness of both to consider how they contribute or not to the ‘health’ of the relationship going forward. 

For me, a starting point is our history [ ‘baggage’ is probably too harsh] in relation to what we bring to each situation or relationship. 

The initial question I posed to myself is “Has my past experience resulted in me now making assumptions, or bringing a prejudice or bias to the new situation?”

At best, for example based on history “Have I become too cautious or reserved when it comes to trusting another person?

At worst, it could be an outright prejudice like “I will never …….. …..   And that is before the person has even opened their mouth.”

In a sense what we are addressing here is Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence (EI), often measured as - Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ), is a term that describes the ability, capacity, skill or (in the case of the trait EI model) a self-perceived ability, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups.

"75% of careers are derailed for reasons related to emotional competencies, including inability to handle interpersonal problems; unsatisfactory team leadership during times of difficulty or conflict; or inability to adapt to change or elicit trust." -- The Center for Creative Leadership

 

Of course we can never fully manage our emotions or those of others.  With EI we can certainly even out some emotional outburst or reaction, in the spirit of moving towards common goals.

So now I see an Engaging Leadership style providing only part of the answer, and perhaps it is time to test our emotional intelligence?  There are many free tests, and these include:

http://quiz.ivillage.co.uk/uk_work/tests/eqtest.htm

http://www.ihhp.com/quiz.php

However, I have found that a great deal of Emotional Intelligence can be gleaned by creating the self-awareness through a suite of more direct assessment and self-assessment tools. 

Why?  Because by understanding other personality types, styles of communication and conflict it becomes easier to deal with others once you recognise yours and their profile.  These tools include ::

• Engagement Surveys…perhaps the best most recent example in the effective use of engagement surveys relates to Campbell’s Foods.  From a 62% disengagement in 2002 they now have a 68% level of engagement.  It is noted however that in order to change the culture they changed 300 of their 350 managers during that same seven year time period
• DISC™ profiles – an opportunity to understand personality types, and how you can better interact with each.  The Dominant, Influential, Stable and Compliant. 
• Communication Style – Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic styles. 
• Conflict Style – From the Avoidance and Forcing styles where you don’t care either about the person or the relationship, a greater self awareness will enable you to move to Accommodating, Compromising or more importantly a Collaborative Style.  The latter being most valuable where you care about the other person’s feelings and the relationship.

You can now probably appreciate how valuable this knowledge is when you a attempting to build and retain the strongest team.

Nice to have created this self-awareness around Emotional Intelligence but I am sure I am not alone in struggling to accept feedback or criticism without becoming totally defensive…. It’s a natural reaction.

I am not suggesting for a minute that you should always accept the feedback or criticism.  Rather it is a time to pause and ask::

“Is this a valid source for the feedback?

Is the source successful, and

have they been successful at

building, strong enduring relationships?”

 

These questions are not to totally discount the feedback, but at least put it in the context of the source.  Obviously if you get similar feedback from a number of sources, then perhaps it is time to listen.

How To Receiving Criticism More Openly

• Become an active listener, and do it without interjecting.  If you interrupt the person you may never benefit from their complete message.  I’m one who needs to get better at listening; the older we get the more we try to finish people’s sentences.
• Having listened completely, and without negative body language …. Perhaps ask an open-ended question to understand where they are coming from.  Something like “What I hear you say is…………………………. Would you mind giving me a recent example of that?’
• Thank them for their feedback and honesty.  From time-to-time we all need that ‘unreasonable friend.’ We should want to encourage ongoing feedback as part of our relationship.
• If the feedback relates to the relationship between the two of you, even go so far as to say “How can I make this relationship work better for you?”  Another good open-ended question, where again you should try to listen without interruption.

Another sensitive area is where you need to raise a delicate issue.  Simple advice here – never, never blame the other person!

There is a temptation to just launch into the issue as it is foremost on your mind.  Resist!  Take the time to build rapport in the conversation before easing into the sensitive issue.

Never blame the other person.  Resist again.

Use the “I” language. 

For example, “When you……. I get quite upset.” 
-or-
“When we………………… I feel……………..

When you raise a difficult issue try if possible to acknowledge your part as perhaps how you may have contributed to the problem. 

The primary objective here is to get to a workable solution. 

A first step is to close the reality gap between the two of you by asking open-ended questions.  Once both realities are explored it will become easier to move to that workable solution

"What really matters for success, character, happiness and life long achievements is a definite set of emotional skills - your EQ - not just purely cognitive abilities that are measured by IQ tests."   --Daniel Goleman, Ph.D.

 Most people deal with feedback and criticism in similar ways.  From defensiveness, to adjustment (“Wait a minute, what is he/she saying?”), and to, usually, acceptance. 

With a greater awareness through your own Emotional Intelligence it will become easier for you to build healthier, enduring relationships. 

If you are in business remember, great enterprise leaders build collaborative relationships though an engaging style, and improved emotional intelligence.

Enjoy your week and spread fun and joy.

 

                                           Have a look at some great photos, taken by yours truly::

                                           http://www.flickr.com/photos/38359909@N06/

                               
Kind regards

Denis Orme

027-472-8610
www.leader-success.com

p.s.,  Call me if you are looking for a speaker for your next business meeting